I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize