Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
