I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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