jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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