i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
