Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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