can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
