Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
