He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize