is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize