omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
