I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
