There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
