Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
