i dedicated my morning wood to you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
