You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
