I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
