I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How external is "for external use only"?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
