the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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