im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
why is half of my head shaved?
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