idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
