Your face is a jimmy john
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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