Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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