I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
where are you?
Hypothermia
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
