my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
