I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize