I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
