ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
