Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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