Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
