The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We got so high we made milksteak
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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