wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
