I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
