see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
