It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
