i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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