I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
