Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize