How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
