You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
