so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
