wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
