Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just found puke in my bra..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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