My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
