I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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