You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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