Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
