We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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