I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
