She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
