Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
