FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
