the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
