Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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