forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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