It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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