i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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