I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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