remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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