I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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