I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
