the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
