The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize