Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
