We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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