Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
