What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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