Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
