so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
too bad you live with your parents still
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Found the puke drawer
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
