My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
