I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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