My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize