A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
