This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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