My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
