I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
